how we relate to our stories
tw: discussing trauma
disclaimer: I am not a therapist and am not attempting to play that role, I advocate for therapy and also believe therapy and coaching can work in tandem quite well. With coaching I am not creating diagnoses, prescribing treatment plans, directing clients from A to B, etc. In this post I will be exploring our relationship to trauma as part of our stories, not delving into how to process and heal it - I leave that to the experts *tipping my hat to therapists*.
As a human who has experienced trauma - and likely caused some - I am endlessly fascinated by how our relationship to it morphs, right down to the words we use to describe our experience.
Recently in a coaching session, my client revealed her distaste for words like “trauma” and “trigger” to describe her experience, because she did not want to be a victim. With permission, I offered another perspective: “What if having trauma did not inherently make you a victim?” For my client, this question allowed room for her to allow her past experience to be part of the story, but not the main theme. This shift in perspective acknowledges the role trauma has in her life, and also made room for her to feel empowered in how she reacts to situations going forward. Together we found that it is possible for two truths to coexist: she can have experienced trauma AND not think of herself as a victim. Granting herself the permission to relate to her story differently was what then allowed us the clarity to find actionable steps that aligned more clearly with where she wanted to go.
In truth, we can apply this line of questioning to any facet of our life. The tension we feel around being defined by something can start to dictate our responses, even if we identify strongly with whatever the “thing” is. It’s very easy to think that pausing to allow the experience to be Big and Impactful, might allow it to be bigger than it really is. But without acknowledging the ways in which we are affected by something, we actually allow it pull levers behind the scenes and dictate our life without our knowledge and consent.
To take this idea in a slightly different direction, we also can wonder what might happen if we allow ourselves the grace to move past the “us” that inflicted harm on others. Even after apologies and reconciliation, I have found myself stuck in the guilt cycle associated with being a person who has hurt someone else. The internal monologue becomes a self-flagellating loop, often with the accompanying judgement that I don’t deserve healthy relationships or nice things in my life. Feeling the discomfort of guilt or shame can be the catalyst to change behaviors or make amends, but there’s also often an unwillingness to allow ourselves the permission to move out of the “I fucked up” loop. But that’s the thing, we all fuck up, and we don’t have to stay stuck. Trapping ourselves in the label of who we were when we hurt someone does not make room for the person we want to become.
If you’ve made it this far, I’d like to offer some questions to explore just like if we were in a session together:
What permission do you need to grant yourself in order to move toward being the person you want to be?
What would might be allowed into your life if you stopped putting energy towards judging your past?
see you next time ✌🏼
ps —
As words like “trauma” and “trigger” gain traction in our cultural vocabulary, it can start to feel like we’re diluting their weight by applying them frequently, but i’d like to offer the perspective that the more we’re equipped to describe our experience, the better prepared we are to navigate it. A “traumatic event” is an unbearable emotional experience that lacks a relational home, as defined by Robert Stolorow — meaning any experience that is too difficult to process counts as trauma. How we relate to the event becomes the echo that reverberates in our bodies and lives.
pps —
If you are experiencing anguish in your daily life or feelings that are getting in the way of how you operate, I strongly encourage reaching out to a mental health service or professional. Everyone deserves care and the opportunity to flourish.