A non-reductive way to think about goals
Everyone has heard of SMART goals and to be honest — I'm pretty bored with the conversation of “how to achieve your goals”, because it puts so much pressure on the individual without recognizing things like access to time, money, resources, varying abilities, and things like neurodivergence. And, if we trip up, we feel like it’s a personal failing and that we’re doomed to never achieve that goal because we couldn’t adhere well enough to the strict plan. How many 3-step or 5-step lists do we need to read before we’ve stepped ourself into insanity? I’m not going to tell you to do “these 3 things” or share “the truth about goals”. In my opinion, a prescriptive list without any understanding of the nuance of someone’s life does not empower them, it preaches at them. No thanks.
By now I’m sure we have all heard that a goal requires a plan with clear destination, and yes I do think the SMART goal framework is helpful, but to me it’s not the destination that we should put our heaviest focus on — my belief is that we need to cultivate an environment where it is easiest and simplest for us to make the alllll the small decisions along the way that bring us closer to where we want to go.
I’ll use 2 different examples to demonstrate what I mean, 1 from my personal life and another from one of my clients (name and identifying details will be different).
Speaking from personal experience, I’m a person that has a strong urge to people-please and say “yes” to other people. I also have a history of disordered eating and body dysmorphia (and body dysphoria, shoutout to gender affirming care for the win) which means I have to be very intentional about fitness and nutrition related goals for myself so that I don’t slip into icky old patterns of thinking and feeling. If you mix together all those ingredients from the past few sentences, it can be pretty tricky for me to pursue those fitness goals and feel like I’m taking good care of myself in the process and be as social as I like to be. As I’m writing this, I’m ~6 days into a 60 day wellness challenge my partner and I are trying (in the summer, rude) and to be honest? I feel so much better about it than any thing I’ve tried in the past (i’ve tried a lot: paleo, sugar free, strict calorie deficit, strict avoidance diets, etc).
What the heck is different? The biggest things I’ve noticed are:
I’m focusing more on the process than the goal, what does it feel like to be someone who makes these decisions? How can i bring joy into the less exciting decisions (meal-prep, not bingeing The Bear after work)
my partner and I are aligned in what the behaviors for achieving the goals are
it’s much easier to work with people rather than around or in-opposition to them
I have developed the skill (and supporting skills, like asking for help or using technology) to anticipate when I might feel most likely to slip-up and what i’ll reach for — I love a tasty cocktail, but that’s not the only thing I can enjoy after work or out with friends
I’m translating that into: we’ve been able to create an environment where the decisions in line with our goals are easier to make than the usual go-to’s (i.e. Reading or after-work walks instead of TV, meal-prep instead of take-out), and we have built-in accountability and support because we’re doing it together (if you’re going it solo, find a community! hire a coach! you don’t have to do it alone!)
As for my client example, I worked with a dude we’ll call Steve who made his first solo out-of-state move and started the path towards switching careers from his first office job he wasn’t jazzed about towards working in software - something that uses skills he enjoys and allows him to be creative and solve problems all in one.
When starting together, Steve didn’t even realize he had these goals and I didn’t plant those seeds — together we found he was looking for more fulfillment and wanted to start living his “future life” now. Coaching is great not only to support a specific goal we already have, but also to help make our dreams not only more achievable but more clear. At the beginning of working with Steve, I heard a lot of phrases like “it would be really cool to ____” and “I’d love to ____ one day” We had to uncover if those phrases were threads pulling on a fantasy or something more tangible. If you’re reading this and saying “hey me too”, maybe ask yourself if that thing is something you actually want to make real in your lifetime? What would it require of you? How willing are you to make changes? Or, is that thing representative of a need you’re seeking to meet?
With coaching, it's really critical that we (coach and client collaborators) not only create a plan that is exciting and in line with my clients values, but also address the hurdles and patterns that might will probably get in the way. It's so idealistic and borderline gaslight-y (see definition for gaslighting here) to put the full blame on someone just “not committing hard enough”, or “not believing enough” because this just adds an extra dollop of shame if they miss a step. It's so easy for for a mistake or pitfall to influence the story to become "this means something foundational about me and my character that I am not following through on this goal”. Goals are so important for us to feel fulfilled and connected to the world – it's very natural for us to have the "what's next" feeling once we've achieved something, and we have to understand that we don't live in a vacuum. As my best friend likes to say “life do be lifeing” — meaning: life happens, and sh*t gets in the way, our habits and conditioning need to be acknowledged as we move into a new strategy.
So my focus becomes, how can we create an environment where the small steps towards reaching your goals are the easiest they could possibly be? What needs to be present for the desired decisions to be the most obvious decisions? What changes in our mindset, environment, self-talk, internal beliefs, communication, education, etc need to happen so that we become the person who makes the decisions in line with our goals? What habits do we need to reprogram or habit-triggers do we need to avoid?
If you’ve got goals you don’t want to chase solo, let’s chat.